Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
