Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
