if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
