if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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