I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
its liver damage thursday
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