I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
