My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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