i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
