my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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