Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
