like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
