I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
He uses pillows to masturbate.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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