did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
