I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
