the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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