Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
