I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
