a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
