There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
