this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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