I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
