I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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