I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
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