He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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