He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
