i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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