please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
