Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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