No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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