he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
