The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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