My room smells like vodka and shame
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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