1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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