I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
