you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
