Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
