note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
