Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
