I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
