if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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