She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
