Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
