We won't sleep together?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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