i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
