does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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