just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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