If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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