my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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