On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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