he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
