You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
