Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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