I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
